One Answer
I am frequently asked how I get it all done - parenting three kids, building Families in Recovery, writing Kidversation. I rarely have a good answer besides saying “get what done?” since it feels like all of it has taken forever and I actually have only accomplished things in half-measures. My more rational self sees this answer as overly ironic and mostly self-serving. The truth is, I know I’ve gotten a fair amount done, even if it has taken so much longer than anticipated.
I ultimately talk about how I find the time (without losing time for Mary and the kids.) I am up many mornings at 5 (sometimes earlier) so I can have an hour or two to write. I put another hour or two in many nights after they go to bed. I try and get in an hour of work over lunch when I can. Add to that a few unbroken stretches of time over the week/end and I can move Families in Recovery and Kidversation forward, if slowly. My thing about never missing time with the family keeps me happy and for the most part sane, but it is a wreck on productivity.
The deeper truth is that itemizing hours does not really give an answer. Or to turn it around, the question itself shouldn’t be how, but why do I get it all done? Why work the equivalent of multiple jobs? Why start Kidversation when I am still at work on Families in Recovery?
So here is one attempt at an answer.
I spent the first half of my life seeking and answering questions. Why was I born to three alcoholic parents? Why was I frequently unhappy or anxious? Why did I almost fail out of high school and quit jobs on such a frequent basis? Why did my mind shut down when sensing confrontation? The questions went on and on, and I spent untold hours trying to answer each one separately.
And then, sometime in the mid-late 90’s, something changed. Not sure when, not sure why. I started looking less towards finding question after question, and more towards seeking peace and acceptance. The thing is, I was never really able to answer any of those questions. Not in a deep and meaningful way.
I stopped working so hard at seeking questions. I decided instead to try and make peace with who I was, where I came from, and the choices that I made on a daily basis. It started with accepting my parent’s alcoholism. I made the decision that when they drank, I would stay away and when they were not drinking, I would do my best to accept who they were at that moment. It helped me to resent them less. I started feeling less broken and I found some reasonable measure of peace in our relationship.
This led to my being, for the most part, ready in 1998 when they sobered up. I’d seen them try to sober up countless times before. And previously I’d detach from the process. This time, I was there and able to help them in ways that were right for them and right for me.
This started what would turn out to be a 10+ year journey - one that I am still on. Over time, I started the process of unlearning most of the behaviors and patterns that sabotaged much of my life. I learned to keep a job. I learned to stop arguing and start listening. I gained confidence enough to stay calm and rational when at odds with someone who obviously wielded power over me. In short, I spent the next 10 years healing from my alcoholic childhood.
Circle back around. Sometime within this process, I learned a few things. First, I am not willing to give up my time with Mary and the kids for anything. There is no job out there, no business opportunity or pile of money that would make me want to give up more time with them than necessary. Second, I love working. I love creating new things and crunching numbers and solving problems. And third, I am happiest when my work is serving a greater good. Market research does not exactly fit this bill (though it fits my techgeek side nicely) so I started creating FIR as a way to both help other children of alcoholics and to bring balance to my work life.
Same with Kidversation. I’d always wanted to write something. I have a half-started play and novel, but they never felt worth the effort to me. And then I started thinking about all I’d learned about parenting and it felt right to develop a program that helps parents to connect with their kids. In many ways, it is just an extension of my work on Families in Recovery.
So there it is. An incredibly long answer to what is typically a short, ‘just being polite’ question. I guess a shorter and easier response is “Because it feels right.”
